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Who are We?

We're Not Influencers

May God help you if you make that mistake at any point going forward. 


We’re not experts in anything; we’re late for everything. 


We’re not tall, not thin, not hot—or, for that matter, homely—but we can clean up to an acceptable level of pretty, given enough time for showering, blow-drying, (Pinterest-assisted) outfit planning, and general makeup application, the latter of which does not, in any circumstance, include the modern mystery that is makeup contouring. 

We. Do not. Understand. Makeup contouring.

URGENT: Can someone please confirm if there are normal women who contour their makeup on a daily basis? More importantly, if you know any, can you let us know if—in person and under natural light, an environment we all must venture into eventually, no?—these women look as though they have actual human skin, or some sort of sculptured paste face?

Or have we misunderstood the trend entirely, and contoured makeup is primarily meant for people who post selfies on social media?

Or is it something we should save for super-special occasions, like wearing thong underwear or ironing?


Like we said: Not influencers, not experts. 


So who and what are we? Lynda and Koren: two hopelessly average middle-aged, moderately employed* Midwestern women in midlife crisis. 

Honestly, that “women” label might be giving us too much credit, as if we actually know how to walk gracefully in heels and raise children. (Truth: One of us birthed two kids; the other lives part-time with her longtime boyfriend’s three, and trust us, neither of us has a clue what we’re doing.)

So, maybe middle-aged Midwestern ladies? (See “walk gracefully in heels” above. So no.)


Chicks? Meh.

Girls? Ha.


Bitches or ho’s? Only if you enjoy being punched in the throat.


Friends? Former co-workers? Gals? Getting closer.

For now, let’s just say we’re two average, middle-aged Midwestern gals who’ve decided to live our best midlife crises online.

Our hope? To entertain, enlighten, and make other women, ladies, chicks, gals, and people with sagging lady parts and a sense of adventure laugh loud, find joy, and feel a little less “what in the actual F*&# ?” about this weird middle place of modern life we find ourselves in each day.

In essence, this is a blog for the people. Mostly people with lady parts, we expect. But we don’t mind if you’re a man. If you are, stick around to learn what makes us tick because you’ll probably get laid a lot more if you paid attention to what we’re going to talk about on this blog, such as the inane shit that:


  1. Warms our hearts.

  2. Brings us joy.

  3. Turns us on.
    (Hint: those things usually involve several matching bins or compartments laid out in a newly arranged “zone” within our home, or some form of ice cream eaten alone, without interruption.)


  4. Confuses the crap out of us. Like:

    • How in the hell did we end up living with the kind of people who have a compelling personal need to “decorate” by wordlessly setting a Nerf dart atop a hot dog bun on the floor next to a bathroom entry?

    • Is this perimenopause, or do we simply hate other people more frequently and for less virtuous reasons than we did in our 30s?

    • Why are so many teenage girls today incapable of closing their jaw when pronouncing the end of any word, and why is every syllable they utter trapped in their vocal chords?


Engaging, Accessible, and Self-deprecating 

We’re in our late 40s, have kids, pets, and jobs*, and it’s winter here nine months of the year. Much like contouring, we have no clue.

Our reality is very real: 

 *A word on our unemployment status: Officially, and according to follow-up paperwork, assorted angry email exchanges, and one or two forcibly perky “best of luck to you, f*@#$%*!”  follow-ups), we did quit. But truth be told, our bosses probably wanted to fire us. We’d both stopped loving our work and jobs, and unfortunately stopped spending any effort pretending otherwise. 

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